My New Little Corner

perspective

I heart Zumba.

story lines.

Do you ever just sit back and wonder about the Story that's being written with your life?

I don't know, maybe it's something about the writer in me and the connection to viewing life in story lines, but it's a question I often stumble upon, often find myself chewing on.  It's a question for me that sometimes surfaces when life breathes mystery and excitement and the power of the unknown lies in its ability to overwhelmingly surprise you in ways you could never have imagined.  It's a powerful, heady experience and the Story feels so much bigger than you.  And your place in the story feels significant...purposeful.

And then there are seasons, like now, where the question of What's the Story being written with my life? has a weight to it that is hard to describe.  Fear tugs at my heart.  I guess I fear the reality that what's really being written by my life is the Story I would not intentionally set about to write on my own.  It's a Story that seems is being written...with or without my help.  It's a powerful Story.  And it's power, it seems, lies in its ability to out my selfishness.  Looking in the face of my selfishness makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and exposed.

Recently I have been reading a book by a most-beloved author, Paula Rinehart (a woman who seems like a dear friend in her ability to pose good questions), who was pondering the idea of "resting in the shade of God's sovereignty."  Essentially she points out that the attention we give to second guessing the journey of arriving at our present can leave us in one of several places:   

• That there's a perfect path to be found and there will be an emotional proof that we've finally discovered it.  End result:  living cautiously and tentatively, fearing that the next choice could just be the one that unravels it all. 
• Living in the realm of regret and second guessing about our journeys can leave us positioning ourselves with a stance of "it all depends upon me."  In other words, in looking back and questioning our path or entertaing certain regrets, we come to believe that it was all up to us anyway.  Whatever did or didn't happen along the way was a direct result of our failure to make it happen -- something she calls being a Christian who lives like an atheist.  "How sad," she comments, "to live like an atheist with the gospel at my fingertips."  Living in the past regrets of what-if often leaves us paralyzed in the present. "The truth is," she says, "if it all depends on us, we are in worse trouble than we think."

The phrase has been often used, "Hindsight is twenty-twenty."  And yet, for the believer, is it really?  I cannot help but think that even hindsight is limited in its scope.  In looking back upon a journey -- full of it's pains, indecsions, choices, sins, failings, joys -- can we not find ourselves wrestling with a limited perspective?  If, by hindsight, I am merely looking to those circumstances with the view that present knowledge would achieve some different present result, am I really looking at the God who sees all...the God who has a perspective on my journey that I do not...the God who is not thrown off guard by my failures or choices?  Indeed, I must believe that He is much bigger than I!  If I am a woman resting in the sovereignty of God, can I say that hindsight would cause me to do anything differently than where life finds me now?  

Rather, Rinehart poses this question:  "How am I going to allow the detours and the lost years and the mistakes to take their proper place in a life that is, somehow, being orchestrated by a God who loves me?  Can I let myself accept that I am living a directed life even when I am floundering?" 

At it's very heart, the answer to this question must embrace the very significant fact that God is good. Deeply good.  Isn't that the lens I'm being asked to perceive life through?  Resting in His sovereignty has at the very heart of it a rest in the goodness of God. Rinehart mentions a quote by Jim Elliot that also had a significant impact on me during my college years:

"What is, is actual--what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though he robbed me--of things that are not...[the] things that are belong to us, and they are good, God-given and enriched."

Even now, years later, that quote still gives me goosebumps!  And yet, how much more meaningful to a woman who has some life under belt and hindsight on her heels.  What am I left with other than that where my journey finds me is exactly where He has me, you know?  My dreams and plans for my life, though I believe are God-given and good, do not belong to me.  It does not mean they never will...but they are not my past and they are not my present.  And, I fear, the failure to embrace my present -- and that He is deeply good in what is -- is the only threat to embracing my future.  

Oh that I would embrace His goodness and rest in His sovereignty...

(Thoughts and reflections on Paula Rinehart's Better Than My Dreams, Chapter 6)

Barefoot in the Kitchen

I am a huge fan of Barefoot Contessa.  I love the way she approaches entertaining and the role of food in enhancing that atmosphere.  According to her, food is at its best when it is simple and with the freshest of ingredients.  I love that.  And though they may not be aware of it, my friends and family in enduring my cooking efforts over the years, have sampled most of her recipes.

Her latest book was released at the end of October and the other night I finally acquired it for my growing collection.  Eager to try a new recipe, I decided to try something out on a friend who had joined me the other night for a little wine and conversation.  Actually, some of my fondest memories in the kitchen with other friends have happened while exploring a new Contessa recipe.  

So, here's a picture of our efforts.  While there were some questions surrounding the shelf life of vanilla beans, nothing was intubated or harmed in the making.  A delightfully uneventful baking endeavor with an incredible result.  And what better way to top off some great girl conversation than with a chocolate dish guaranteed by the Contessa to "make your friends go crazy."  I am, if nothing else, all about the crazy.       

Latte Love

a singleton response

Recently a friend in the former ministry I was a part of emailed and asked for input for a workshop she was putting together for college gals along the ideas of having a ministry in your home.  In particular, she asked if we would share: 

• What have you been learning presently in seeking to have your home a place where people are able to experience the Lord's love and grace and to honestly share some of your struggles?
• Reflecting back on those days in college, what helped you learn to have your home a place of ministry and what would you have liked to learn when you were in college that would have benefited you now?
• Please share what are your struggles and what are you learning and what helps you.

I thought it might be some good, blog-fun to share where her query currently finds me.  My response to her, as follows:

Stage of Life:  Mid-thirties.  Single.  Technically living in one room of parents' house, but really living out of a car.  Works two jobs.

I thought initially that I wouldn't reply to your question.  I mean, does a young, college gal really want to hear that it's possible that she could end up thirty-five, STILL single, and, for reasons even unbeknownst to this very same woman, still clinging to the hope (though barely at at times) that she might one day be married, birthing kids, and cleaning crayons off of playroom walls?? 

As a college student, I know that I sure wouldn't.  

At the very least, as college student, I certainly wouldn't have thought that person would be me.

My current life stage is about as far as one would describe as having a “ministry in your home.”  While I had a home (Oh saddness, how I miss it!), I currently live in one bedroom of my parents' house and nearly all my housely goods are tucked away in storage.  Probably not all that appealing to the majority college gals hoping to be married and build a home maybe along the traditional ideas of homemaking.   (HowEVer, if you were to have a workshop on “How to Have a Ministry Out of Your Car” -- I'm totally your girl.)

The truth is my current life stage fails to accurately fit my hospitality heart and my love of entertaining through a warm, home environment.  I had an opportunity to experience that while I was on staff at the BSU.  Truly, one of the most treasured of all my experiences during my season of life in Norman was having a home and utilizing it for ministry purposes – students came over for dinner; a little short Columbian lived with me for nearly a year; and next door neighbors shipped over their  pets for me to babysit!  Truly, a ministry to all creatures.  

But having my own place and getting the privilege of ministering out of it is just currently not where Jesus finds me.  While my parents do leave town occasionally allowing me to invite people over, the truth is it's just not the same as having your own place.  

My “homelessness,” however, hasn't stopped me from ministering to others.  It has just had to become much more mobile.  It means a lot more meeting people at local coffee shops (well past my bedtime!) or grabbing lunch with people during a very rigid one-hour lunch hour.  Mostly it means I stay available...not easy to do when you work two jobs and try to stay on top of certain leadership activities at church.  

As to what I'm learning or currently wrestling with -- mostly I fight my own selfishness.  Being available is a fight after a long, and sometimes emotional day at work when you'd much rather curl up in the fetal position and pull the covers over your head.  I also battle trying to stay in the Word and spending time with Jesus.  I will probably never forget Max telling us, “You know, the person who's always available sometimes isn't worth much when he is available.”  Meaning, people need Jesus more than you.  And if ministry is the overflow of what Jesus is already doing in you, sometimes it may be helpful to be temporarily unavailable in order to offer the Most Important of Persons when you are available, you know?  And believe me when I say, whether I'm meeting with a gal from church who's struggling with sleeping with her boyfriend or I'm getting lunch with women at work who have pretty messed up home lives, they need Jesus more than Jessica.

If I could have heard one thing in college that would have helped me as a woman now trying to openly walk with Jesus in the face of unmet expectations regarding marriage, ministry through my home, and kids, etc., it would have been encouraging to hear “Jesus will be enough, Jessica.  Live well in spite of your hopes and dreams.”  

A verse the Lord gave me a number of years ago as I implored Him to give me a promise regarding my hopes for marriage, family and home was Psalm 73:28, “But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge that I may tell of all Your works.”  What a kindness that Word has been to me!  He is Enough.  And strangely enough, His Enoughness is the character of Jesus I think most people I cross paths with desperately need to hear....

I wish I could say that ministry out of my home is the same place where I sleep.  And, I know that you may have been looking for all the practical implications of what that looks like.  But, ministry doesn't stop just because you don't have the physical environment you hoped for, you know?  Ministry out of my home is just...well, just Jesus hopefully living out of me. 

Anyone have a Post-It?

 

I happen to have a strange fascination with Post-Its.  They're not only everywhere in my office (I have Post-Its to remind me to read the other Post-Its) but whenever I go to an office supply store, I confess that I often tend to get hung up in the section with all the sticky.  The other night I was in one such area of my local office supply looking for a new highlighter and found myself deterred by the latest styles and colors of the Post-It.  (Do you know there's even a highlighter with a convenient little Post-It in the end of it??)  Caught up in my Post-It delirium, I laughed to myself as I remembered this scene from a favorite episode of Sex and the City.  Truly, so many uses for a Post-It.

This episode also came to mind recently as I was having a conversation with another gal about her current relationship status. In a previous conversation along the same lines, she had communicated that she did not see the relationship going anywhere but that it was indeed something she was no longer crazy about and she had just not gotten around to breaking up with him.  On this particular occasion when I asked her how it was going and if she was still seeing him, she told me she had finally broke it off.  

"Oh, sorry to hear that," I said.  "How did you finally work it into your schedule to break it off with him?" I asked somewhat jokingly.

"Text message."

Wow.  The Post-It note of a whole new generation.

I'll admit, I was a little bit appalled but not all that surprised.  She is most definitely the product of her generation.  Text messages are the definite norm.  

But, really, breaking up with a text message???

Those who know me, know that I have held a long aversion to text messaging -- due in part to the numbers of people who want to hold a conversation through a text message as well as a number of doomed dating scenarios in which I found myself being asked out via a text message.  (But, that's another story.)  And, before my friends clamor to expose my hypocrisy, I will admit that my acquisition of an iPhone has not only changed my texting prowess but I often find myself indulging in the fleeting communication ring that is text messaging.

I guess it just all finds me wondering today, with all this technology and all this instant access to each to other, where is communication heading?  I mean, where is text messaging leaving us really?  Even writing skills are taking a hit -- I've seen some pretty scary grammar lately...especially amongst the high school and college crowd.

But more than that, where is text messaging taking interpersonal communication?  I'm amazed at how easily people rely on text messaging to communicate some pretty critical issues.  And, as a result, clarification often is lacking in simple communication issues and learning how to resolve conflict with people and allow relationships to grow in meaningful ways is becoming unheard of.  

I think mostly it boils down to people are afraid of conflict.  They're afraid of whatever unknown response could be coming if they actually spoke into the conflict.  Recently I was reading about Jacob who was getting ready to meet Esau (Gen. 32-33).  The last Jacob had seen Esau, Jacob had not only stolen his older brother's birthright, but he had deceitfully fled with Esau's blessing.  When Jacob hears that Esau's in the neighborhood some 20 years later, he becomes significantly stressed.  He knew that where Esau was concerned, there was no love lost.  Jacob's Post-It might have read:

Esau

I'm sorry

Unavoidably detained at the Oak Tree

Don't hate me

It's as his meeting with Esau looms, that Jacob wrestles with God.  A pretty significant piece of Jacob's story.  Even more significant, I believe, is it's connection to the years of unspoken conflict with his brother.  A dislocated hip as a memorial of his encounter with God, Jacob sends his family ahead of him, hoping I think to make some sort of appeal to his brother.  When Jacob and Esau finally meet, it's a whole different scene than what Jacob could have imagined:  

Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.

Jacob could have missed it.  Reconciliation was hanging out just on the other side of his fear and if he had given in to fear, he might have missed experiencing the peace that comes from a restored relationship.

Post-Its, text messages, emails can all end up being the go-to communication means largely due to the fear of the unknown in embracing communication with others.  And yet, I think I happen to live more in fear of the Post-It than of the actual conversation, you know?  I'd rather experience the reconcilation or the clarification...as hard as that may be.

Liening

Well, it's official.  A 19-year long dream has come true.

I have bought my first car.

It has been a long time coming, but I made a decision that it was indeed time to face my fear of a car payment (something I've never had in 19 years) and get into something a little more reliable.  Actually, it was probably long overdue. 

I will say that the car buying process was something akin to delivering a breach baby with no pain meds.  Les Miserables.  And, it is safe to assume that I will probably never go through the process again.  While many tell me that you forget the pain once you behold the crisp leather seats and the flawless paint job of your new set of wheels and will will want to always drive a newer vehicle, I'm fairly certain that the Camry and I are going to be together for a very long time.  At least, that's what my loan officer says.

In any case, for now I no longer hold the longest record for Frump in a Dump.  It's most definitely a freeing thing.

2009 Hopes.

"People who are most afraid of their dreams convince themselves they have no dreams at all." -- John Steinbeck

A friend recently asked me what my big hopes were for 2009.  "What," she asked, "are you dreaming would happen this year?"

To be perfectly honest, up until the moment she asked, I had not given it any thought.  I felt a little sheepish for answering simply, "Nothing really."  But, in the days sense, I have been chewing on it.  

What am I hoping for?  

What are my plans?  

What do I want to pursue in 2009?

The questions seem at this point still seem to have gone unanswered.  Actually, I have been more surprised by the things in which I am not hoping in or for and the things that have left me with feeling of hopelessness...indicators to me that I have somehow wandered away from resting in and embracing the goodness of God and His plans for my life.  

Meditating on Psalm 34 over the last several days, He has made me aware in my lack of hope, that I desperately need to:  

To rest more fully in Him.  

To live less for myself and more for His Glory.  

To let Him define my purpose, my hopes, my dreams.

"But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge that I may tell of all Your works."  

May I be satisfied with His nearness in light of everything else the world has to offer...and may my life be a mirror of His Goodness and a message of the best of Hopes.

  

 

The Stockings Were Hung by the Chimney so Bare...

in the hopes that a cozy fire soon would burn there.

Christmas is over for many I assume --

packages opened, dinners consumed.

But in our lovely family, Christmas still looms -- a little tot anxiously awaits the Present Monsoon.

As for the rest of us, we're just excited as our little house becomes more invited.  You see, our chimney once naked now beholds... Stockings! If you knew our family that's really quite shocking!!

Well, I suppose I should wrap up this diddy so fair -- I can see by your face that you're moved to tears.

As for Aunt J, she's just trying to keep up; looking for the fun when she feels in a rut.

So, Merry Christmas, dear peoples and may I leave you with this, you put the Merry in your Christmas with a Mistletoe Kiss.

Scenes from a Kitchen

My niece is a handful and very much her own person. Within a couple of hours she single handedly made me reconsider procreating. That is quite a feat! And yet, she's still pretty darn cute. This is a moment I happened to capture as she descended upon the kitchen one day to help her Aunt J make cookies.

Merry Christmas 2008

Some of my favorite Christmas scenes:

Just Might be Marlboro Man or Bust

I just recently discovered The Pioneer Woman via another fellow blogger's site. I don't know that I've ever been quite so entertained. Not only does she explore new recipes, her love of photography, and ideas for home and gardening, but she has captured the romantic in me with the story of how she and her husband got together in what she terms is "Green Acres meets Harlequin Romance." I love it! I will warn you single people out there who happen to peak into my little corner (yes, you guys, too), her story is not for the faint of heart. You might just find yourself a little more eager to find your Marlboro Man or your Black Heels Woman.

Dead Ends.

Last night I was out on a bike ride. It's become a new favorite thing to do. Not only is it great exercise but I am finding that it's become a means for me to clear my head. So last night I was riding around, no particular path in mind. Basically just enjoying a turn here, a turn there, as well as the opportunity to sort through a number of things weighing heavily on my heart, asking the Lord to help me embrace what He would have me to see in the murkiness that I currently feel weighed down by.

Close to the end of my ride I came to a fork of sorts in the road. To my right, a Dead End sign, and to the left, the road back to my house. Of course, in my mind, there was no real decision to be made but to turn toward the road that would take me back home. As I made the left turn, I fleetingly laughed to myself, "Dead Ends. Sure don't need anymore of those in my life."

I wasn't too far down the road home when I was overwhelmed with some clarity of the mess of things going on in my heart. I quickly turned around and rode back toward the sign if nothing else other than to capture a literal picture of the sign that had very quickly communicated something going on in my heart. I took the picture that you see and then I felt for some reason that I needed to just ride down the road that would, in fact, end. No outlet. No forward progression. Just a dead end.

So, today finds me thinking about that road. Why so thoughtful about a road sign?

Since the beginning of the year, I've been challenging myself to take some risks. Just for point of clarification, I'll say that most of these risks center around my personal/dating life. Risks that force me to get out of my world, out of my head for a time and see a different perspective. For the most part, it's been a really good challenge. Within the last couple of months, however, several of those risks have resulted in what I've been hearing in my head and heart as "failure." The thing about risk is that it's, well, it's risky. Making yourself available to things that could challenge you or your way of thinking leaves you fairly vulnerable. The outcome of risk, in its extremes, is either great joy or great disappointment. For me, these recent risks were risks that for whatever reason had somewhat subconsciously become a little more weighty...risks that I found myself hoping about a little more deeply. Risks that eventually came to an end and have left me a little more in the disappointed arena of life. Risks that affected me to the degree that I can't quite decide if I'm up to the risk again.

The Dead End sign for me, while I initially laughed it off, actually revealed a part of my heart that was feeling that my risk-taking of late was nothing but a dead end. Fruitless. Pointless. Only leaving heartache, you know?

And yet, riding down the Dead End road last night, I must admit that there were some great little houses and pretty yards and a very serene little neighborhood hidden toward the end of the road. It was perfectly quiet and peaceful. As I rode back out toward the road home, I was left with a sense that there was nothing inherently bad about the Dead End road. There's actually life happening along that road. Had I heeded to the warning sign posted and avoided the road entirely, I would have missed the little bit of life hidden along that road.

The Dead End roads we come to in life don't have quite the same signage, you know? In modern day traffic rules, it's actually a kindness -- 1) I don't waste my time going down a road that has no outlet and, 2) It points me toward a road that at least promises forward progression. And yet, I think if those signs were indeed posted in life as we know it (i.e. "Don't waste your time on this relationship. It's going nowhere."), we would miss out on a lot because in our humanness we want to avoid the pain and the disappointment, however great or small, that inadvertently accompanies when we don't have control over the known. We'd only ever be taking the roads that are safe and sure to lead somewhere. To be perfectly, honest, I'm pretty sure the times I've played it safe in my life has done very little for personal growth or stretching me in my relationship with the Lord.

So, today I'm thanking the Lord for the Dead Ends and asking that He will keep my heart open to the journey He has me on...whether He leads down a road full of twists and turns or a road that seemingly comes to a dead end. They are all roads and roads worthy of my journey because I'm following Him. In the end, it's Him I'm following and trusting.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

The Office: Mushi Mushi-Style